Five Things About Vampires Women & Cowboys

So I’m out and about, and there is a trend blowing in the wind (and it stinks) within the ranks of the female population that I cant quite get my tiny man brain to grasp. What’s this I’m talking about? The overwhelming attraction women have to 500 year old blood sucking, walking corpses!

Not only do I have to put up with the latest buzz surrounding Twilight and the overly feminine, glittery skinned, sit down while taking a piss Collins clan. I now have True Blood to contend with, every frigging week! At least these Vampires resemble more of a man’s man, but still…they aren’t real MEN, at least live one’s, that is.

Much of this I blame on the guys that would rather play nerdy, fantasy online games, fantasy football, and prefer to watch porn through an LED screen while eating a Big Mac; rather than treat their women like the princesses they are.

I mean, come on gals…what’s a Vampire REALLY got that the average guy doesn’t…let alone a cowboy? Lets take a closer look at women, vamps, regular dudes, and cowboys (TUC).

Vampires Women & Cowboys

Vampires Suck

5. Vampires are loners.

Just think, you have your man all to yourself. No longer are you forced to share quality time among your guys buddies, most of which, you really can’t stand anyways. You are now the sole object of his desire and time.

Regular Dude: Too busy playing golf, watching the big game, or out beer drinking…all of which takes place with other dudes. What’s a girl to do when most of her man’s free time is spent male bonding?

Vampires: Have you ever seen a vampire playing golf? How about sitting in front of a television rooting for his favorite team? As far as male bonding goes, well…that’s just not very vampish,(unless he’s from Twilight), now is it? No, the vampire is all about spending that quality time with his lady friend. So what if it’s biting her neck…she actually loves that!

TUC: Cowboys do enjoy SOME time with the guys, but that definitely takes a back seat to a woman’s time. Cowboys would much rather be riding horseback, or serenading their women, than hanging with the guys. I take that back…cowboys are with the guys a lot, but it’s usually doing manly things, so it’s okay. Plus, we like to bite necks too!

4. Vampires stay in great shape.

It’s no secret that most women prefer their main men, or dead corpses, to be in great physical shape. Muscles and strength exude confidence and an ability to protect their mates. What woman doesn’t want to feel protected? A great bonus would be the stamina to pull all nighters (see number 2).

Regular Dude: Roughly 71.3% of men aged 45-54 are overweight in the US, but from what I actually see on the street…I’m going with 85%.

Vampires: Okay, I have to concede that from what I gather about the undead, vampires are in great shape. But who wouldn’t be, especially if your diet consisted of nothing but blood, and an occasional tampon?

TUC: Have you seen me? Nuff said.

3. Vampires are very persuasive.

I’m going out on a limb here, but I believe women, no matter what they say, love to be persuaded…especially if it entails anything naughty in nature. Guided by emotions, most desire a man that has mastered the art of persuasion. If you think about it, it’s the perfect scenario. To be able to place the “blame” on someone else for all the sexual debauchery she all too well enjoyed.

Regular Dude: Trouble convincing himself he’s a man; the regular dude also has difficulty convincing women he’s a catch, let alone to try new sexual positions.

Vampires: The vampire has had centuries to cultivate a suave, smooth and sexy demeanor. They have had the necessary time to master the art of persuasion, able to convince even the smartest and savviest of women to do their bidding. If a vampire can convince a woman that sucking blood is cool, what else do you think he could convince her of?

TUC: A cowboy must learn to live by his wits, and this includes the ability to persuade people and animals. He must be able to convince others to do what is against their natural instincts. What’s sexier or more manly than taming a wild Mustang? That’s what every woman wants to find out, of course.

2. Vampires rule the night.

For obvious reasons, it must be a huge turn on for women to imagine spending every night with their very own vamp friend. I mean, what woman wouldn’t want to be at the receiving end of an all nighter?

Regular Dude: Spends most nights playing some nerdy goof ball online game with hordes of other nerdy goof balls, when his attention should be on games of a more “adult” nature.

Vampires: While it’s true the vampire is a creature of the night, he is more than likely out hunting for food. No goof ball nerdy online games for the vampire, but also no time to play under the sheets because he’s too busy looking for his next meal.

TUC: Cowboys don’t play online games, and we don’t have to hunt for food at all hours of the night. This leaves plenty of time for us to shower our attentions on lady friends. Bonus…there are positions named after us.

1. Vampires are the ultimate unpredictable “bad boy”.

Most women are attracted to men who are spontaneous, creative, and lives by their own code. A man who thrives on life itself. A thrill seeker unafraid to try new and exciting things, yet possesses a sensitive side rarely seen by anyone else.

Whether he is fending off a bear attack, or involved in a discussion about which pair of shoes look best, he does so with equal enthusiasm, desire, and genuine interest. Plus every woman knows “bad boys” are awesome in bed.

Regular Dude: He will put the toilet seat down for you, and clean the sink after shaving. He will carry your lip balm for you, and even apply it when needed. He will even watch your vampire shows with you. Nuff said…

Vampires: Living their lives by their own rules, a vampire answers to no one. Every vampire needs a woman to survive and will search until finding his eternal love. Plus, sex couldn’t get any more dangerous than with a vampire, as you never know if this will be the time he devours you in a fit of hunger.

TUC: Cowboys often live their lives by their own rules, answering to no one as well. They will tell you what you need to hear, whether you like it or not. Cowboys are often hopeless romantics, that aren’t afraid to be themselves. Plus, they look good in cowboy hats and boots with nothing else.

So, the next time any of you ladies find yourself out searching for your vampie friend, remember…cowboys are the real deal…and he may just have a pair of fangs with him just in case!

I’m just sayin…

Tagged as: cowboys, Tongue in Cheek, Vampires, Women