With the final chapters of my relationship with my Butterfly coming to an end, my emotions have been all over the place. Doing a little research has helped me identify and deal with the various stages of grief that I have been experiencing. Right now, I am coming closer to accepting my lose, but it goes back and forth to depression as well. So I guess, with a little more time, I will come out the other side happy and normal again!

With loss comes emotional pain and heartache, the grieving process allows us to emerge from the turmoil a healthy and happy person.

Losing someone you love is never easy. The emotional pain is unbearable at times, and can wreck havoc in other areas of your life. Understanding the grieving process is a natural human response to loss does not in itself make it any easier.

It is readily accepted that the grieving process consists of the following five stages.

1. Denial – This isn’t happening to me! I must be dreaming!
2. Anger – Why is this happening to me? How dare you!
3. Bargaining – I can change what is happening. I promise I’ll…if only you’ll…
4. Depression – I don’t care if this is happening. I can’t bear it any longer!
5. Acceptance – This is going to happen. I’m ready for whatever is next.

With the grieving process being neatly categorized and packaged into these ‘stages’, we may get the wrong impression that our emotional needs will be handled in a sequential and orderly fashion. As if we can mark on a calendar when one ‘stage’ will begin and another ‘stage’ follows.

“God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted” – (Matthew 5:4)

Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way. The grieving process can take a short or a long time. We may get ‘stuck’ in one of the emotions longer than the others. It is not uncommon to experience more than one of these emotions at a time. Dealing with our grief may never truly come to a final outcome. Listening to a song that had a special meaning to you and your loved one could possibly trigger one of the stages to reappear, for example.

All these feelings and emotions can be overwhelming!

Uncontrollable mood swings, loss of apetite, fantasies, depression, even suicidal feelings. These emotions may have you or others convinced you are “going crazy.” The fear of “losing it” can be frightening to acknowledge, much less discuss it. Though this fear is real, it is related to the situation rather than to a “psychological diagnosis.”

The best way to handle grief is to acknowledge where you’re at in the process, accepting you have grief work ahead of you, and allowing yourself to experience the pain. You may feel like crying or shouting at times, by all means let it out.

1

Denial : A Stage of Grief

Shielding ourselves from the pain associated with loss, our perception of reality may become distorted in order to protect us.

Denial is usually the first emotion felt when confronted with loss. We may find ourselves in a state of shock, as if somehow we are able to change the outcome if we just refuse to believe it.

Are you in denial?

We may find ourselves ‘dazed and confused’ at the very thought of our impending loss. As we try to comprehend what is occurring in our lives, we unrealistically believe that this can’t possibly be happening to us. Thinking there must be some ‘mistake’ may overtake our daily thoughts.

Feelings of confusion and numbness may overtake our thoughts as we stumble through the day. The stage of denial is usually relatively short lived, as our subconscious wrestles with our conscious mind to come to terms of our loss.

Dealing with denial

It is recommended to not make any major decisions during this stage of grief. Emotionally traumatized, the ability to rationally think is impaired. As with all the stages of grief, it is recommended to discuss your emotional feelings with someone you can trust or a professional counselor.

2

Anger : A Stage Of Grief

Becoming easiy irritated or agitated, we may have episodes of emotional outbursts that reflect the pain we are feeling as a result of our loss.

It’s OK to get angry when grieving

Denial will subside, usually giving way to feelings of anger. We may find ourselves angry at the person responsible for our pain, ourselves, our God or anyone in between. During this stage, we are easily agitated and may exhibit emotional outbursts towards anyone around us.

For a healthy recovery, it is important at this stage not to repress any angry feelings or emotions. These feelings must be acknowledged and expressed in a healthy, productive fashion. To deny yourself this expression of anger will only come back to haunt you multiplied at a later date.

It is advisable to abstain from the use of alcohol or other drugs during this period. The key is to be able to express your anger in a controlled productive way. Alcohol and drugs may distort your anger negatively, where you may find yourself directing it towards others uncontrollably.

Dealing with anger

Anger may manifest itself through many channels; the key is to be able to express your feelings in a controlled fashion. First acknowledge you are in fact angry. Consciously validate you possess feelings of anger, than identify what it is you are actually angry about. Discuss your feelings with family, friends or a counselor. If your feelings of anger become uncontrollable, definitely seek the services of a professional who can help you release your emotions in a positive manner.

3

Bargaining : A Stage Of Grief

In an attempt to stop our emotional pain, we try to change the reality of having to accept our loss.

Trying to make a deal?

As we begin to realize the loss we are experiencing is in fact inevitable, we may begin the process of bargaining in an attempt to delay, or better yet stop the process. What exactly do I mean by the term ‘bargaining’? Depending on the situation, we begin to make deals, either with ourselves, our God, or the one responsible for our loss and pain.

Does this sound familiar? I’ll do…if only…

This is OK, and part of the healing process. Unfortunately, during this stage we may find ourselves willing to say or do anything in an attempt to regain our loss. This is not healthy, nor productive. We tend to suffer from ‘tunnel vision’ during this stage, not really taking into account what the ramifications may be if in fact we were granted our ‘wish’.

Dealing with bargaining

Slow down and take a hard look at what you are, and not willing to do. Try to look at things realistically, and discuss your feelings with someone you can trust. If you have no one close to open up with, seek a professional.

4

Depression : A Stage Of Grief

Giving up all hope when faced with the reality we have no control over our loss.

During the stage of depression, we often find ourselves turning inwards. Questions may arise that we haven’t given much thought in the past. Why am I here? What does it all mean? What is wrong with me? These are all common and valid thoughts when we grieve.

Social lives are usually put on hold, and we may even find ourselves keeping friends and family at bay during this period. Energy and drive are usually at a low, preferring to simply remain alone with our thoughts. The world seen through our eyes may now seem dark, empty and lonely.

Everything you see and hear may bring back memories of your loved one. Reminiscing about happier times, only to come crashing back down to reality, leaves us with a sense of ”what’s the use’. During this time you may feel you are the only one who has felt such pain, and ‘nobody understands’.

This is alright and perfectly natural, think of the depression stage of grief as you would a caterpillar in its cocoon before emerging as a butterfly. And don’t be afraid to cry, let your tears go if that’s what you feel.

Dealing with depression

Use this time for self-reflection and understanding. Look for some of the answers you may be asking yourself. Remember, it does get better. Find some books that deal with the subject of your questions, and read. With time you will emerge stronger and happier with yourself. As with all the stages of grief, it is recommended to keep from turning to alcohol or drugs for temporary relief. Also, it is recommended to discuss your emotional feelings with someone you can trust or a professional counselor.

5

Acceptance : A Stage Of Grief

Able to see things as they really are, we become empowered to move forward with our lives by accepting our loss.

Acceptance of our emotional loss and pain brings with it a new beginning. The inner struggles and turmoil that has lead here have contributed to our inner strength and understanding of ourselves.

Like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon, we now are able to see the world and people around us with a different perspective. Able to move forward, our thoughts and feelings are now positive with a clearer understanding of the loss that was experienced. Free from pain associated with loss, we are now open to new experiences, people and activities to enter our lives.

Dealing with acceptance

Now that you have finally arrived at the end of the grieving process, it is important to realize that any of the other stages may resurface briefly from time to time. Usually because a memory is triggered, this is OK and natural. Accept those feelings and keep moving forward!

As with all the stages of grief, it is recommended to discuss your emotional feelings with someone you can trust or a professional counselor.

Tagged as: grief

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